


Roots

by PrudenceKimberly



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-24
Updated: 2019-04-24
Packaged: 2020-01-25 20:50:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18582358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrudenceKimberly/pseuds/PrudenceKimberly
Summary: Olivia had always been conflicted about her past. Should she tell Savina the truth about Joseph Hollister? Or should she shield her daughter from the harsh truth?This takes place in the same universe as Those Bonds We Make, where Savina grew up with Olivia. And it's a post-ep for 'Dearly Beloved'.Implied Barson





	Roots

As soon as the elevator closed its doors behind Kitty, Olivia ran over to the emergency exit, pushed it open and leaned heavily on the rails. Her breath was coming out in short, shallow, and fast puffs of air. Her heart was beating so fast, it seemed like it was trying to break free of its bony confinements. She was panting, trying to hold back the flood of memories the woman’s statement had brought, trying to prevent herself from breaking down into heaving sobs. It was the _exact_ same scenario as her mother…..all the way down to what Kitty said about her child. It wasn’t exactly a secret how Serena felt about her, nor how she viewed her. She constantly reminded her that her own eyes were his, her hair, her complexion…..she constantly reminded her that she looked more like him than her, and therefor was a constant reminder as well. She could count on one hand the times her mother told her she didn’t regret having her, and that she was grateful for her. But she had lost count on the times she told her the exact opposite.

Her phone vibrated in her back pocket, and she quickly pulled it out. Hoping that it would be work-related so she can switch to her lieutenant persona and bury all the Olivia Benson baggage deep down once more. But the smiling face that greeted her on the screen wasn’t work related, and she cursed under her breath. She forgot that they were having lunch together, and that she told her to meet her at the hospital.

She tried to get her breathing under control, get her emotions under control, will back the tears that were threatening to fall.

“Mom!”

She whipped around at the sound of the worried voice and came face to face with identical set of brown eyes, that were now filled with worry.

“I’m fine,” she whispered, as she put the phone back into her pocket.

“And I’m the Queen of England!” Savina shot back, clearly not believing her mother.

“I…. just…..” Olivia couldn’t form the words, wasn’t entirely sure what to say. After all, she never told Savina the truth about how she came to be. She shook her head and pulled Savina into her arms. Ever since she was little, holding Savina always grounded her. Savina, on her part, despite the worry she felt, obliged her mother’s request, and wrapped both arms around her torso, rubbing them up and down in a comforting manner.

“It’s okay, I’m here,” she assured her seemingly distraught mother, who simply buried her head into Savina’s hair. “Child related?” she asked softly, and all Olivia could do was shake her head, her hand now moving to the back of Savina’s head. “Lewis?” Savina pressed, and Olivia hesitated. If she nodded, Savina would drop the subject, but would start to worry about nightmares and what not. She found herself shaking her head once more, as she pulled back. She kept her hands on Savina’s shoulders, one hand fumbling with her brown hair, that was now almost to her waist. Olivia hadn’t let hers grow since Lewis, the one thing he managed to make her hate. She came up with a million excuses if people asked her about it, but deep down she knew it was because of him. But Savina only trims off the ends every few months, and Olivia never told her to cut it.

“Mom, you’re starting to scare me. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you like this,” Savina said worriedly, and she was right. She had never seen Olivia triggered by something about Serena, because Olivia made sure she never did. How was she going to explain any of it to her daughter? What was she supposed to say now! It’s true that Savina wasn’t a little girl anymore, but Olivia wasn’t sure she wanted to burden her with this.

**_“You’re not burdening her; you’re simply telling her a part of her history. Would you rather she finds out through one of those genealogy labs online?”_ **

His voice echoed in her head, as she remembered the argument he made a million times, but she always refused, and he respected her wishes. He probably would tell Savina now, if he were here.

She leaned forward and pressed a kiss to her forehead. “The case hit a little too close to home,” she stated, her voice hoarse from all the held back emotions. Savina arched an eyebrow at her, clearly not impressed with the explanation, nor convinced.

“Do you mind if I take a raincheck on that lunch? I just wanna go home and spend time with you guys,” she wondered, her voice a bit pleading, and to her horror, desperate.

“You realize I won’t let this go, right?” Savina retorted, and Olivia nodded. “Just not tonight.”

* * *

 

Kitty had just walked away from Olivia, and she took a deep breath. The case had taken a toll on her, sharing that memory with Amanda had opened a flood of other memories for her, but she guessed as long as she worked in SVU that this would happen. She pulled her phone out, her fingers moving quickly over the screen as she looked up something. She smiled softly, as her fingers once more moved quickly over the keypad, shooting him a quick text, before she made her way to her car.

* * *

 

She leaned against a tree facing the large building on campus, her eyes searching the faces of all the people exiting the building in search of one in particular. It wasn’t long before she spotted Savina exiting the building, deep in conversation with someone she didn’t recognize. She pushed herself off the tree and made her way towards the duo. It wasn’t long before Savina spotted her and smiled, quickly turning to the person next to her, and finished her conversation with him. Olivia had stayed at a bit of a distance, to give them privacy, smiling politely at the young man as he waved at her, as he left. Her smile grew when Savina approached her.

“Well, this is a nice surprise,” Savina commented, as she planted a kiss on Olivia’s cheek.

“Well, I do owe you a lunch, and I was done for the day,” Olivia said softly, as they linked their arms, and started their journey towards the door.

“Don’t think that smile is getting you out of that explanation, Lieutenant,” Savina shot back sternly, and Olivia chuckled. “You’ve been spending too much time with Rafael; his mouth is rubbing off on you!” she retorted, and Savina laughed whole-heartily at her mother’s comment. “Oh, I think we’re well way past the ‘-ing’ phase!” she quipped, and Olivia shook her head. “God help me!”

* * *

 

Olivia found herself on the bench in the park that she always went to whenever she needed to think; she came after her first sonogram; after Jason signed away his rights to Savina; a few weeks before Savina was born…. And so many other times she lost count. Savina was sitting next to her, finishing off the last of her pizza from their lunch, their sodas occupying the space between them.

“Well,” Savina prompted, and Olivia sighed audibly. “I’m not entirely sure how to start to be quite honest,” she confessed, and Savina frowned. “Mom, I don’t think you were this nervous when you told me SWAT shot Henderson down that day,” Savina pointed out nervously.

Strangely enough, that gave Olivia an idea. “Before he took you, you used to ask the usual questions about your dad,” she started, and Savina nodded. “But you hardly asked me about my mom, and at some point you stopped all together.”

Savina immediately averted her eyes and fumbled with the crumbled tissue in her hand. Olivia frowned at the sudden silence. “Savina.” She called gently.

“I…uh…..It…. I….” she stammered, her hand running through her hair. “It upset you when I did, so I asked Finn about her once, and he told me how she died, and that you two didn’t have a good relationship, so I dropped it.”

Olivia knew her daughter had something else on her mind, but it looked like she was hesitant to share. “Is that all he said?” she pressed, and Savina sighed, as she leaned back, her eyes still glued to her fumbling fingers. “I asked him if she was abusive, and he didn’t say yes, but didn’t deny it either,” she replied, still clearly hiding something.

“Why would you ask that?” she wondered.

“Mom, can you stop beating around the bush and tell me what’s going on?” Savina interjected, clearly avoiding the subject herself.

“I’m not, I’m leading up to it,” Olivia defended truthfully. “So…” she urged.

“Mom, it _really_ doesn’t matter what made me ask him. I did, got my answer, and moved on. So why don’t you just tell me why you looked like you did a few days ago?” Savina deflected, and that made Olivia worry even further. She’d never seen Savina blatantly avoiding a subject like she was now. Not even when she was pretending to be fine after Lewis.

She debated her options for a few short seconds, before deciding to set the example and be truthful. Maybe helping Savina open-up about whatever it was as well.

“The reason why this last case hit too close to home,” she started. “Is because of something the woman said to me about her baby.”

“Baby? The rape got her pregnant?” Savina wondered, and Olivia nodded. “What did she say?”

Olivia swallowed thickly, having to repeat the words once more was gut wrenching, but Savina deserved to know the truth. “How can I love something that was created by a monster?” she repeated Kitty’s statement, and Savina’s face immediately blanked. “What the hell?” she exclaimed incredulously. “That’s _her_ baby too!” she said in surprise.

“It’s not that uncommon of a reaction actually,” Olivia said softly, her mother’s voice as she said it ringing in her ears.

“Well, mothers abuse their children for far less every day,” Savina stated. “But what does that have to do with Serena?” she wondered, and it dawned on Olivia that Savina never called Serena ‘Grandma’ or any other nickname. She always referred to the matriarch Benson by her first name or associated her with Olivia; saying ‘your mother’.

“Because she said the same thing,” Olivia spoke softly, and Savina frowned. “Joseph Hollister _raped_ my mother.” She added, her voice a tad over a whisper, and despite her best efforts, the pain that simple statement always brought was clear as day in the quiver of her voice.

Savina had started to take a sip from her soda when Olivia blurted out the last statement, so she jerked forward, as she nearly spit out the soda. Before she whipped back up to look at her mother, her eyes wide.

Her eyes. Olivia had grown up hating her eyes because of how many times Serena reminded her that they belonged to Hollister. But when Savina looked up at her for the first time, they no longer belonged to him. They belonged to her baby.

Serena had dared comment about the resemblance once when Savina was a baby, and Olivia had never turned into a Mama Bear faster than that moment. 

**_“I don’t care if you make the association between me and him; but don’t you dare say that EVER again about her. You hear me?” she growled._ **

“He…..she…. you…. I……” Savina stuttered, and Olivia smiled sympathetically at her. Her hand coming up to run through her hair softly in a gesture of comfort. After all, he was a part of her too. And it wasn’t easy to render the usually sharp-tongued brunette speechless like this. Savina leaned forward, burying her face in her hands, as she tried to gather her thoughts, with Olivia now rubbing her back.

“Sweetheart talk to me,” she urged gently.

Savina rubbed her face a couple of times, before she leaned back, forcing Olivia’s hand to go back to stroking her hair.

“That…. that makes sense of a lot of things actually,” Savina finally found her voice, and Olivia frowned. But before Olivia could respond, Savina continued. “So, what you heard her say…. she meant you.” It was more a statement than a question, but Olivia nodded. “She saw you as _his_ , rather than hers,” she continued, a sad sigh escaping her, before her eyes finally met Olivia’s. “That’s why you were always the focus of her anger, especially with the resemblance.” She added, and Olivia’s eyes widened. Savina chuckled humorlessly. “Come on, Mom. I saw pictures of her; she had fair skin, and blonde hair. It’s not that hard to figure out where you and I get our looks.” She pointed out. “That why she drank?” she wondered, and Olivia nodded.

“She had a constant reminded of that night walking around the house, it was her way of dealing with it,” she explained and Savina scoffed.

“Okay, I understand that she’s your mother, and some part of you still cares about her, and sympathizes with what she went through. And I do too, sympathize that is. But this does _not_ excuse how she treated you. You were her daughter, as much as you were his. And she did have options. Yes, I realize abortion wasn't one, but adoption was. Hell, I can’t believe I’m about to suggest this, but even abandonment may have been slightly better. The constant abuse _wasn’t_!” she argued with such passion, and force that Olivia couldn’t help be proud of the woman her little girl had become.

“It wasn’t all bad,” Olivia told her. The part of her that still clung to that instinctive love you have for your parents, and probably the same part that has dealt with thousands of victims in her mother’s shoes, taking control of her words.

“So, when a domestic abuse victim tells you that the relationship isn’t bad because he buys her flowers every once in a while, does that make the abuse okay?” Savina retorted, already knowing the answer.

“It wasn’t that bad, sweetheart.” Olivia was now lying through her teeth, but she was doing it more for Savina’s sake than anything else. It was bad enough that she knew now, she didn’t want the full picture in her head. Mothers shield their kids from the ugliness of the world, even when it’s their own history.

“Yes, it was,” Savina immediately shot back, her voice slightly angry, and adamant. Olivia frowned; that feeling that Savina was holding back something from her returning. She frowned at Savina, who in turn sighed audibly, before her fingers found the belt ends of Olivia’s coat, and started to fumble with it. “I vowed I would never tell you this, but….” She trailed off, as she looked back up at her mother’s expectant eyes. “Remember when I was young, when you woke up and found me in your bed, and I’d say I had a bad dream?” she inquired, and Olivia nodded. “I wasn’t always the one who had it.” She dead panned, and Olivia took a shaky breath. “You used to talk in them; mumble things, over and over. ‘Mom, please, I’m not him,’ or ‘Mom, don’t say that,’ or something else along those lines, but you always said ‘Mom’.” She recounted, and Olivia could feel the horror within her grow to mythical proportions. She never thought Savina knew about her nightmares from before Lewis; she never wanted her to know. She remembered a couple of times that Savina asked her if she was having a nightmare, but when she didn’t ask again, she assumed that the younger brunette never noticed. But as it turned out, she knew all along, but was keeping it from her.

“You never….” She whispered, and Savina finished for her. “Said anything? When I told you the first couple of times, you got the exact same look in your eyes as you do right now; guilt and sadness. Of course, I didn’t understand it at the time, but I did understand that it hurt me when I saw it. So, I simply said that I had the nightmares, and after a while, you would assume I did, and I would let you,” she explained.

“Is that why you asked Finn about her?” Olivia wondered, and Savina nodded. “Yeah, when I was nine I think they got really bad,” she started, and Olivia immediately knew the time frame she was talking about. It was after her undercover mission at the prison when Captain Harrison nearly assaulted her. “Before I wouldn’t wake up if I were fast asleep in my room, I would only hear you if I got up to use the bathroom or get some water. But suddenly, you would cry in your sleep, and I would wake up because of it. I can’t remember what you were saying exactly, but after a couple of weeks, I asked Finn about her, but didn’t tell him about the nightmares.”

“What happened to her was….” Olivia started, but once more, Savina cut her off. “Was horrific. But _you_ were innocent in all of this; _you_ did nothing wrong to her. What happened to her by no means justifies what she did to you.” Savina was adamant. “Look, I understand that a part of you still feels that instinctual love towards her, and that this part is still rationalizing what she did. But I won’t let you undermine what she did to you, Mom,” she continued. “Even after Lewis, you still had nightmares about her,” she continued, and Olivia’s eyes were full of tears now. Though she wasn’t sure if they were tears of joy and pride; or pain…or maybe all of it. “And I hope you spoke to Lindstrom about it,” Savina stated, and Olivia nodded. “I did, baby,” she whispered tearfully, as the tears now spilled out of her eyes one after the other. “Good, I’m glad you did. But what you need to make peace with, Mom, is that it’s alright to wish for a different mother, for a different past, a different childhood. It’s alright that you may never miss _her_ the way a person misses their mother; you will always miss the person she was _supposed_ to be.”

“I know, it’s….” she trailed off, not entirely sure what to say anymore.

“It’s not easy, and no one expects it to be.” Savina provided, her hand coming up to wipe away at her mother’s tears.

“When did you become so wise?” Olivia joked, and Savina chuckled. “I’m _your_ daughter; need I say anything else?” Savina spoke softly, as she moved to hug Olivia. “I love you, Mom, and I never wished for a different mother.” She mumbled against her shoulder, and Olivia tightened her arms around her. “Not even after Lewis?” the question escaped before she got a chance to filter it, and she felt Savina tense up a little, before she pulled back from the hug.

“That’s why you looked so distraught,” Savina started, her voice saddening, and the guilt-stricken tone tugging at Olivia’s heart, but she continued before Olivia could stop her. “You thought I would feel the same way about you as you do about Serena,” she added, and at Olivia’s silence, she got her answer. “I was pissed off, I’ll give you that,” she confessed. “But no, not even then.” She assured her mother, who in turn smiled at her. “I’m _proud_ that _you_ are my mother; just the way you are. And I never wished for anything to be different,” she finished, her voice was so sure, so full of love, and so adamant, that Olivia – despite her demon-rattled brain – found herself believing her, and feeling a weight being lifted off her shoulders. Savina waited until she saw belief in her mother’s eyes, before she added. “I could do without a couple of your ex-boyfriends, but other than that I’m good.” She quipped, and Olivia laughed, as Savina grinned ruefully at her.

“Like I said, _way_ too much time with Rafa,” she joked, and Savina shrugged unrepentantly at her, before she leaned into her, and rested her head under her head. Olivia pressed a lingering kiss to the top of her head, as her arms wrapped around her torso. “I love you, baby.” She murmured lovingly into her hair.

“I love you too, Mom.”

 

 


End file.
